Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Silly Things

Occasionally I'll read a friend's post on their blog about the "real life" stuff and the "burst the happy bubble" news going on for them. Some blogs are just full of great days, memories, and events that don't happen on a daily basis so it gives somewhat of an unrealistic view of what life really is like for them. Which, I am guilty of I guess... But I really don't blog a ton. I use blogging as a family journal and documentation. I use my personal journal for the deep thoughts, hard times, trials, etc.

Well here is my real life post. A post of ramblings. I tend to be a negative snowball effect type of person. When one little tiny negative thing finds it's way in the middle of my happy, planned out day/week/life it rolls along into this huge negative ball that completely wipes out my happy, planned out day. I much rather just be able to kick it to the side and carry on with my expected day.

But no, I let the negative flood gates down and it all comes spilling out. Today, was my big day at the hospital... I had my 34 week OB appointment, then off to Radiology for my Amniotic Fluid ultrasound, and then to labor & delivery for a fetal non-stress test. Scarlett came with me - it turned out to be a 2 1/2 hour outing. We came prepared for it - Scarlett had her Dora backpack filled with her baby, books, toys, snacks, and a drink. So of course nothing could throw off my expected lengthy time at the hospital, because I was prepared!!

It really did go quite well. Actually she was amazing up until the last 10 minutes. I couldn't have expected better really. Baby brother is healthy, I have a very healthy pregnancy,  Scarlett made many people laugh and smile with her cuteness, it was an uplifting event. Until I got home and realized 2 hours later that my iPod touch was not in my purse, and not in the car. No where. I called the OB, Radiology, and L&D - no one has seen it. I know I used it last at Radiology - without a doubt, I know it. So of course my mind is fixed on the two gals waiting in Radiology with us probably picked it up after I had left it and are currently enjoying my games on it, and their free- new iPod touch with the most darling purple flowered case.

Well, despite the wonderful time we had together tonight as a mom, dad, and daughter... the laughs and giggles we shared, sitting down at the table eating a delicious grilled chicken meal by the dad, and a pat on the back for actually cleaning the dishes, kitchen, vacuuming, having a clean apartment before going to bed - it all doesn't matter b/c I lost my iPod!!!! It's a stupid electronic device!

But when I let my guard down, I can think of 100's of things I need to or should be doing. And maybe if I was doing those things, the fact that I may never see my iPod again wouldn't matter. So then I'm a failure at life as a whole. Ha ha ha.... Like we don't save enough money, I didn't need to buy those clothes for Scarlett, I should have cooked more last week instead of just this week so we'd have more money to save for the large amounts of medical bills beginning to stack up because of these extra tests and monitoring the OB is wanting to do. Which I don't really think is necessary, but it is better safe than sorry! And I will have a healthy baby boy after this is all over with and the bills are paid - so it doesn't really matter. But it puts added stress on Seth, who is already working so hard and work has been insanely busy for him. Work is beginning to really wear down on him, and he is working the 7 am shift now, it doesn't help that I keep him up with my own personal stresses and bothers when he has so much on his own plate and he's trying to get to sleep early to get the rest he needs. How do I buy him something he'll like for his Birthday coming up, and I want him to feel like he can splurge on me for mother's day. And it's just money anyway, we barely have a credit card balance, or student loans, and we have savings - so it'll all end up okay anyway. and money this and money that. I can't be too stressed about it, b/c I don't want Seth to be. We just need to stick to a budget. If I was reading my scriptures daily this won't be such a burdensome thing on me, and I'd be more in tune with what I should be doing and wouldn't get so stuck on the small things. And I'd see the bigger picture more clear everyday. And if I exercised and didn't have to have ice cream every night I would have more energy and feel better about myself. And wouldn't worry or assume what people are thinking about me when they see me b/c it wouldn't matter b/c I would be confident in how I am and look.

But I am happy. I am so happy! And so blessed. And wouldn't want life any other way. Then I go in and watch Scarlett sleep, and just want to pick her up and hold her sleeping and realize what really matters all over again. And plan out the next day, how I will spend even more quality time with her, She gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow. And hope to become a better person with the gift of tomorrow to be her mom and to nurture her. That's all that really matters. And then all that other stuff really does fade away.

The last two nights have been hard for me to fall asleep. Which is sooooo abnormal for me, Usually my head hits the pillow and I'm out! But I've been waking up every hour, just laying in bed. Not even to pee! Not even b/c I'm too uncomfortable to sleep!!

When I get in the "my world is falling apart" moments, which seem to happen too often. It just takes a new day, or a happy moment with what matters (Seth or Scarlett) and then I can laugh at that falling apart moment I was so sure of. I wish I would remember in the moments my world is crumbling, that I will come to my senses in a short matter of time so it's useless to let anything crumble at all.

Life is too precious and too fragile to get caught up in electronic devices or nonsense crumbling moments. Deep breaths and renewed hope - life is manageable again. Life is good.


  1. I totally understand how you feel! Losing an ipod could throw me over the edge too!! It is so funny how the little things make you lose it over the compilation of big things that you've been holding together just fine! Good luck my friend (chalk some of it up to pregnancy hormones :))

  2. Hopefully getting your frustrations out in this post was therapeutic. (I know it can have that effect for me) I'm sorry you've been feeling that way and have had trouble sleeping. That's probably making it worse (lack of good rest). I hope things look brighter for you soon! I'm glad you and your baby are healthy.

  3. I would have reacted exactly the same way as you Mate! Sometimes it's the silly little things that combine and we eventually just have a little (or big) explosion. My dad always uses the analogy of a kettle slowly coming to the boil. We all have days like this though. I agree with Jamie - a lot of it can come down to those crazy hormones.
    Much love to you. xx

  4. I love real life blog posts. Because that is how life is. I am glad Baby boy is looking healthy!!! Sorry about the Ipod, I'd be super bugged about it to. Hope it surfaces at some point!